My Bitter Insanity | The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

My Personal Statement (Mental Illness Day-to-Day)

April 11, 2018 / Recovery & Treatment / Leave a Comment

This week, my blog post is going to be a little different than usual. If you follow me on Twitter, you might know that I am applying to my province’s disability support program. It has been my goal for a while, but I’ve had difficulty getting started.

The application has three parts: (1) information on my diagnosis, (2) my ‘activities of daily living,’ and (3) my personal statement. The first two are filled out by my family doctor and my therapist, but the third part is all me. Great. We all know that motivation is my forté… (/s)

I couldn’t seem to buck up and write down the essay about why I’m too crazy to work. The idea of having to divulge all about myself to strangers is not my idea of a fun afternoon, as it happens, I am not a fan of vulnerability.

The Message from My Past That Ruined My Week

April 2, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

Content warning: frank discussion of suicidal ideation

This week has been the most trying week that I’ve had in a while. And that’s saying something. I’ve had a metric ton of Weeks-from-Hell in my life, and though this hasn’t been the worst, it’s pretty damn close.

Sunday night, my anxiety kicked into high gear. I was taking the absolute most Ativan possible because even that didn’t feel like enough. I was afraid of everything and afraid of nothing. Anything that could (or couldn’t) happen flashed through my mind and every thought was worse than the last. I had suicidal thoughts even though it’s been months since they were last around.

I fought urges to down all the pills I had and follow it up with the bottle of wine I knew was downstairs. The first thing to give me pause? I didn’t think I had enough Ativan. The second? I don’t want to die… I never really have.Continue Reading

I’m Not Here To Be A Role Model (I’m a Bad One)

March 26, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / 2 Comments

I mean, if I was trying to be a role model, I think I’d be a pretty crappy one.

Most of the time, my posts end up turning into a little lesson that I’ve been needing to learn, and though I still hope that people read and take something away from my blog, this post is one that really is mostly for me. It’s something that I ‘know,’ but for me, it’s counter-intuitive and I seem to keep forgetting it.

I’m also fairly anxious that at first glance this post might make me look pretty conceited, as though I’m trying to imply that people somehow look up to me, and I want to clarify, that that’s not at all the case… I know how many people actually read my blog!

But this post isn’t really just about my blog — it’s about who I am in my day-to-day life, too.Continue Reading

How Much of Me is Really Just my Illness?

March 20, 2018 / Recovery & Treatment / Leave a Comment

In my experience, one of the hardest parts of struggling with mental illness is trying to separate it from who I am as a person. It’s hard to do, though, when the irrational thoughts can sound just like your own and your disordered behaviour is still your behaviour. I wrote about the importance of trying to think of your mental health as another component of your physical health a couple of weeks ago, but I didn’t really touch on how much of an impact that can have on your self-identity.

Starting in high school, I’ve worked hard on trying to accept myself and love myself for who I am, inconveniences, flaws, and all. I’d been bullied when I was younger for who I was, and it made me really insecure. So, when my anxiety reared its head, I started to wonder how much of myself was really just symptoms.Continue Reading

Where Crazy Starts, Respect Is Sure to End

March 14, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

I haven’t always felt it over the last few years, but I am not a dumb person. I try really hard to make sure that I’m being thoughtful, reasonable, and wise when I make decisions. I’m a person who tends to think a lot about what she says before she says it.

Yet, more often than not, people look at my diagnoses before anything else.

Too many times, I’ve tried to express opinions or concerns about my treatment and been met with patronization and dismissal. I walk into appointments and before I even have a chance to say anything about myself, it’s assumed that I’m so broken that everything needs to be spoon-fed to me in the most child-friendly, bite-sized pieces. It goes beyond trying to be understanding or accommodating. It’s a lack of respect.

Binge Eating Disorder: My Biggest (or Only) Secret

March 5, 2018 / Research & Education / 2 Comments

As you can probably guess, I’m fairly open about my mental health issues; it’s not something that I’m ashamed of and I talk about it when I can. However, there’s another facet to my mental health that I’ve never really spoken about, but which has been in my life for much longer. I’ve only recently come to grips with something I’ve really know all along: my problem eating is not just a symptom of my depression, it’s something much more than that.

I saw a different psychiatrist a couple of months ago (back in the in-between), and along with suggesting new medications and treatment options, he was also very validating and frank about my eating. When I mentioned that I struggled with my eating, he asked for more details and we talked about my feelings surrounding my disordered eating. He diagnosed me with Binge Eating Disorder.

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