My Bitter Insanity | The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

My Life is Starting to Move Forward and I Am Terrified

August 6, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

In June, I wrote about how it felt like I was living my life on hold. It felt like nothing was happening and I was itching to start making some more progress in my life. And it’s finally moving. I’m volunteering, I’m in a DBT course, and I’m set up to head back to school in the fall.

And I am absolutely terrified.

I’ve been waiting so long for this day to come and it’s finally here. I want it so badly, but the idea of trying again and failing is seriously scaring me. Maybe it’s an illusion because I’ve sat on hold for so long, but it suddenly seems like life is speeding forward way faster than is safe. And I’m not wearing a seatbelt.

I’ve made careful plans and schedules, measured the changes in me, and I’ve crafted mantras to remind myself that I’ll be okay, but a big part of me just doesn’t believe it.

Tired of Looking on the Bright Side of Mental Illness

July 23, 2018 / Recovery & Treatment / Leave a Comment

This week, I started a DBT course. Every Tuesday, for the next eleven, I will make my way into the city and learn about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for two hours before travelling back home with my homework for the week.

The first lesson was very much an introduction to DBT and I knew most of what was discussed. Between my own research and volunteer training, I had it covered. I’ve not yet sure if this will be the group for me, but since it’s near-impossible to find resources, I had to pay for this group and so will be doing it until the end.

But one topic that the facilitator covered got under my skin. She talked about the “bright side” of having Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder).

Apparently, we’re more empathetic, ‘adapted’ to high stress, and charismatic.Continue Reading

I Don’t Fit in the Eating Disorder Community

July 16, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

This post talks about bodies, my eating disorder, and food. It deals with ideas and thoughts that I struggle with. If you are in active ED recovery, I don’t suggest reading it.

I have an eating disorder. It’s something that I’ve been coming to terms with over the last year or so. It’s a label that I still don’t always feel comfortable with.

Don’t get me wrong. I like labels. (Okay, maybe I love them.) They help me sort my life and the things in it into neat little boxes. They help me explain what I’m going through — they help me find peers and the resources to help me. But this one isolates me.

I don’t fit in with the eating disorder community. My Binge Eating Disorder (BED), while the most common eating disorder, is often not what people think of when they hear ‘eating disorder.’Continue Reading

My Mental Illness Defines Me, but It’s Only One of Many Things

July 9, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

I have heard a lot in mental health about not letting our illnesses define us, and I’m sure that you have too. I understand where it comes from — being reduced to a walking mental illness can be dehumanizing. It can worsen stigma and make it easier for others to put our well-being and healthcare to the side.

We often hear about person-first language, that we should avoid calling someone a ‘Borderline’ or mentally ill — instead, they should be a person with borderline or someone with a mental illness.

I understand where this idea comes from. I understand why some, if not most, people prefer it. But for me, it just doesn’t sit right.

I don’t call myself a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, I prefer to call myself a Borderline — and I prefer that others do too. When I call myself a Borderline, it doesn’t feel dehumanizing or minimizing, it feels empowering.Continue Reading

Making Friends in the Crazy World of Illness & Adulthood

July 3, 2018 / History & Experience / 4 Comments

“People are stupid. I hate people.”

It’s been the refrain of my life for oh so long. Maybe that’s not right and maybe it’s rude. Maybe it’s both. For me though, it’s a defence mechanism. A phrase that I use to try and brush off all the negative feelings that come around when I feel rejected by the world around me and the people in it.

I have two friends. My best friend has stuck with me for years and she is the only person outside my family that I believe will stick around — at least, I believe it when my brain is doing well. The other one is pretty new. Like, within-the-last-month new. And, the only reason that I know she’s my friend is because she was awesome enough to flat-out tell me that she wanted to be.Continue Reading

Why I’m Bitter About my Insanity

June 27, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

bit·ter
/ˈbidər/
adj. (of people or their feelings or behaviour) Angry, hurt, or resentful because of one’s bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.

Yeah, maybe it is super cheesy to start with a definition, but I’m doing it anyway. And, looking at that definition, I’m wondering if I even need to explain why I’m bitter… (Though I will.) When you’re looking for mental health support, it is unfortunately really likely that you’ll come out of it feeling angry, hurt, or resentful — hey, maybe even all three!

The truth is, it’s not easy to talk about mental health, but once you do, it can be even harder to live with, and seek treatment for, a mental illness. Above and beyond the standard difficulty of fighting my mental illnesses, I’ve also had to fight for the treatment that I deserve.Continue Reading

I’m Living My Life on Hold, Waiting ‘Until…’

June 18, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

I had planned a different post for today. I’ve even got most of it written out already.

Except, when the inspiration for this post instead popped into my mind, I wasn’t about to scoff at the sudden flow of words I felt coming. I’ve mentioned on Twitter a couple times that I’ve been struggling with some good ol’ writer’s block, so this feels like I’m nearly out of the woods.

After I got sick, and after my first severe depressive episode, I put school ‘on hold.’ I’d decided that I’ll focus first on getting better, and then I’d get back to school and work. If you’ve been following my blog, you might know that that didn’t turn out quite the way that I had hoped.

Over the course of my recovery, I’ve gone back and forth in these periods of working or school alternating with this intense focus on ‘getting better.’Continue Reading

Dating While Insane is Driving me Crazy

June 5, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

I’ve never liked dating. For me, it’s just a means to an end. I want a partner, I want a family, so I need to date. Of course, you’re not ‘supposed’ to say any of this to the people that you date — it’ll ‘scare them away.’

Now, maybe it’s the borderline in me, but I’m always ready to dive right into a new relationship. Even if it doesn’t technically exist yet.

Hey, you! Yeah, you, cute stranger! You smiled at me and I liked our (brief) interaction. We should get married!

Hey, you, cute woman that I met in treatment. You’re smart, you laugh at my jokes, and I like your face. Plus, we’re both sick! Have my babies?

Actively fighting the thought that anyone I meet might be my soulmate is extremely tiring. And it can make me do some pretty weird things…Continue Reading

What I Love but Have Had to Leave Behind (For Now)

May 28, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

I can’t sleep.

As I write this, it’s 7 am, and my mind has been swirling with thoughts, keeping me awake for hours. I’m yawning, I’m tired, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to quiet my thoughts. Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling really down about where my life is and where I’m heading.

I mentioned in a post three weeks ago that I never imagined that I would still be struggling with my mental health after four years. I never imagined that I’d be where I am, out of school, out of work, and not sure when I’ll get back.

Don’t get me wrong; I have a plan. I always have a plan — I just don’t know if I’ll actually be able to follow through this time.

I Hate My Body but I’m Trapped Inside Anyway

May 23, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

I’m obese.

At 5’3″ and 285 pounds, my BMI is about 50. That’s 10 points over the threshold for class III obesity and 25 points over healthy.

Every day, I’m constantly reminded that I’m fat and that it’s not okay.

If I mention anything, anything, about my weight, people rush to comfort me. I’ve had people respond “Oh, no you’re not!” as though I can’t just look in the mirror and know that I am! They’re convinced that instead of simply being realistic, I’m being self-deprecating and they should ‘support’ me.

If I want to sit on the subway, I have to second guess myself — I take up more room and I have heard at least a million jokes about how terrible it is to sit next to fat people — will I be the butt of the next joke?Continue Reading

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