My Bitter Insanity | The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

What Nourishes You? (My Best Eating Disorder Week Ever)

October 8, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

Two weeks ago, I was having a terrible Monday. After a breakdown that morning, which unfortunately included yelling at my dad, I had to figure out a way to be okay enough to be present in class. I ultimately ended up taking some lorazepam and heading over to school. It worked well and I was actually able to be mostly present in class. After class, though, the feelings started building up again.

Leading up to that Monday, I had spent almost the entirety of four entire days trying to shove information into my brain, but it just wasn’t going in. I was behind on my readings for class and was desperate to catch up but for some reason, it just wasn’t working. That morning, I sat at the kitchen table pouring over my textbook, trying to understand what it was telling me and how I could make that into some form of coherent notes.Continue Reading

My Terrible Sleep and the Itsy-Bitsy Spider

September 24, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

This week, I’ve got a piece from the archives. Here’s a piece that I wrote almost a year ago when my blog was on hiatus and I never published. It details the spiralling thoughts that used to be absolutely constant for me.

It’s 5:50 am. I haven’t slept yet. Granted, I woke up Friday at around 11:30 after falling asleep only six hours earlier. My sleep has been weird.

Sleep has never been ‘easy’ for me, at least as long as I can remember. I’ve always tossed and turned, took too long to fall asleep, woke up often, and alternated between too much and too little sleep. With my mental illnesses, it’s only gotten worse. Between incessant fatigue and the intrusive, repetitive thoughts at bedtime, I just can’t win.Continue Reading

The Secondary Effects of an Anxiety-Filled Day (My First Day of School)

September 11, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

As I write this, I’m exhausted. It’s not necessarily a new phenomenon for me; I’m exhausted most of the time. Today, though, is a different kind of day than normal: it’s the day after an anxiety- and stress-packed day.

Anxiety isn’t just a mental thing, and as anyone who’s had a panic or anxiety attack would know, it’s incredibly physical. My heart rate and blood pressure spike, I sweat like you wouldn’t believe, I get extremely warm, and I feel so much internal pressure that it’s as though I might actually explode — and that’s only the physical side. So, when you think of the mental and physical impacts of anxiety, maybe it’s not surprising that I get a sort of hangover after a big day — but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

I knew that this past Wednesday would be a tough one for me.Continue Reading

I Get Way Too Excited About Everything

August 27, 2018 / History & Experience / 1 Comment

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterized, partially, by mood swings and intense emotions — usually anger, sadness, or anxiety. But I think that more of my emotions are affected by my BPD than just the negative (or destructive) ones. I think that the good ones are affected too.

Because I can get just as overwhelmed by my positive emotions as I can by my negative ones. When I get excited about something, and those who know me can support me on this, I am the most excited person you will ever meet. I jump up and down, I lose the little patience I do have, and my whole worldview starts to revolve around whatever made me so excited.

And, honestly, sometimes it’s kind of nice. Sometimes I feel this pure, overwhelming happiness or excitement, and though these moments are few and far between, I try and lean into them. But they’re not always purely good.

Why It’s Important to Take a Step Back: the ‘Wise Mind’

August 20, 2018 / Research & Education / 3 Comments

My brain likes to lie to me. My brain tries to trick me all the time.

I try to keep it under control, but sometimes my mind gets away from me. I’m sure it happens to everyone once in a while. For me, it’s not once in a while, really. It’s often. Really often.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, nine times out of ten I can’t get back to sleep because my brain starts to buzz with all sorts of unwanted thoughts. I get repetitive, intrusive thoughts about all sorts of things I don’t really want to think about that just swirl around my head, looking for a way out.

He hates me. He hates me, he hates me, he hates me. I fucked up and now he’ll hate me forever. He thinks that I’m a terrible person. He thinks that I did it to hurt him.Continue Reading

My Life is Starting to Move Forward and I Am Terrified

August 6, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

In June, I wrote about how it felt like I was living my life on hold. It felt like nothing was happening and I was itching to start making some more progress in my life. And it’s finally moving. I’m volunteering, I’m in a DBT course, and I’m set up to head back to school in the fall.

And I am absolutely terrified.

I’ve been waiting so long for this day to come and it’s finally here. I want it so badly, but the idea of trying again and failing is seriously scaring me. Maybe it’s an illusion because I’ve sat on hold for so long, but it suddenly seems like life is speeding forward way faster than is safe. And I’m not wearing a seatbelt.

I’ve made careful plans and schedules, measured the changes in me, and I’ve crafted mantras to remind myself that I’ll be okay, but a big part of me just doesn’t believe it.

Tired of Looking on the Bright Side of Mental Illness

July 23, 2018 / Recovery & Treatment / Leave a Comment

This week, I started a DBT course. Every Tuesday, for the next eleven, I will make my way into the city and learn about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for two hours before travelling back home with my homework for the week.

The first lesson was very much an introduction to DBT and I knew most of what was discussed. Between my own research and volunteer training, I had it covered. I’ve not yet sure if this will be the group for me, but since it’s near-impossible to find resources, I had to pay for this group and so will be doing it until the end.

But one topic that the facilitator covered got under my skin. She talked about the “bright side” of having Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder).

Apparently, we’re more empathetic, ‘adapted’ to high stress, and charismatic.Continue Reading

I Don’t Fit in the Eating Disorder Community

July 16, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

This post talks about bodies, my eating disorder, and food. It deals with ideas and thoughts that I struggle with. If you are in active ED recovery, I don’t suggest reading it.

I have an eating disorder. It’s something that I’ve been coming to terms with over the last year or so. It’s a label that I still don’t always feel comfortable with.

Don’t get me wrong. I like labels. (Okay, maybe I love them.) They help me sort my life and the things in it into neat little boxes. They help me explain what I’m going through — they help me find peers and the resources to help me. But this one isolates me.

I don’t fit in with the eating disorder community. My Binge Eating Disorder (BED), while the most common eating disorder, is often not what people think of when they hear ‘eating disorder.’Continue Reading

My Mental Illness Defines Me, but It’s Only One of Many Things

July 9, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

I have heard a lot in mental health about not letting our illnesses define us, and I’m sure that you have too. I understand where it comes from — being reduced to a walking mental illness can be dehumanizing. It can worsen stigma and make it easier for others to put our well-being and healthcare to the side.

We often hear about person-first language, that we should avoid calling someone a ‘Borderline’ or mentally ill — instead, they should be a person with borderline or someone with a mental illness.

I understand where this idea comes from. I understand why some, if not most, people prefer it. But for me, it just doesn’t sit right.

I don’t call myself a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, I prefer to call myself a Borderline — and I prefer that others do too. When I call myself a Borderline, it doesn’t feel dehumanizing or minimizing, it feels empowering.Continue Reading

Making Friends in the Crazy World of Illness & Adulthood

July 3, 2018 / History & Experience / 4 Comments

“People are stupid. I hate people.”

It’s been the refrain of my life for oh so long. Maybe that’s not right and maybe it’s rude. Maybe it’s both. For me though, it’s a defence mechanism. A phrase that I use to try and brush off all the negative feelings that come around when I feel rejected by the world around me and the people in it.

I have two friends. My best friend has stuck with me for years and she is the only person outside my family that I believe will stick around — at least, I believe it when my brain is doing well. The other one is pretty new. Like, within-the-last-month new. And, the only reason that I know she’s my friend is because she was awesome enough to flat-out tell me that she wanted to be.Continue Reading

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