My Bitter Insanity | The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

I’m Living My Life on Hold, Waiting ‘Until…’

June 18, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

I had planned a different post for today. I’ve even got most of it written out already.

Except, when the inspiration for this post instead popped into my mind, I wasn’t about to scoff at the sudden flow of words I felt coming. I’ve mentioned on Twitter a couple times that I’ve been struggling with some good ol’ writer’s block, so this feels like I’m nearly out of the woods.

After I got sick, and after my first severe depressive episode, I put school ‘on hold.’ I’d decided that I’ll focus first on getting better, and then I’d get back to school and work. If you’ve been following my blog, you might know that that didn’t turn out quite the way that I had hoped.

Over the course of my recovery, I’ve gone back and forth in these periods of working or school alternating with this intense focus on ‘getting better.’Continue Reading

Dating While Insane is Driving me Crazy

June 5, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

I’ve never liked dating. For me, it’s just a means to an end. I want a partner, I want a family, so I need to date. Of course, you’re not ‘supposed’ to say any of this to the people that you date — it’ll ‘scare them away.’

Now, maybe it’s the borderline in me, but I’m always ready to dive right into a new relationship. Even if it doesn’t technically exist yet.

Hey, you! Yeah, you, cute stranger! You smiled at me and I liked our (brief) interaction. We should get married!

Hey, you, cute woman that I met in treatment. You’re smart, you laugh at my jokes, and I like your face. Plus, we’re both sick! Have my babies?

Actively fighting the thought that anyone I meet might be my soulmate is extremely tiring. And it can make me do some pretty weird things…Continue Reading

What I Love but Have Had to Leave Behind (For Now)

May 28, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

I can’t sleep.

As I write this, it’s 7 am, and my mind has been swirling with thoughts, keeping me awake for hours. I’m yawning, I’m tired, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to quiet my thoughts. Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling really down about where my life is and where I’m heading.

I mentioned in a post three weeks ago that I never imagined that I would still be struggling with my mental health after four years. I never imagined that I’d be where I am, out of school, out of work, and not sure when I’ll get back.

Don’t get me wrong; I have a plan. I always have a plan — I just don’t know if I’ll actually be able to follow through this time.

I Hate My Body but I’m Trapped Inside Anyway

May 23, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

I’m obese.

At 5’3″ and 285 pounds, my BMI is about 50. That’s 10 points over the threshold for class III obesity and 25 points over healthy.

Every day, I’m constantly reminded that I’m fat and that it’s not okay.

If I mention anything, anything, about my weight, people rush to comfort me. I’ve had people respond “Oh, no you’re not!” as though I can’t just look in the mirror and know that I am! They’re convinced that instead of simply being realistic, I’m being self-deprecating and they should ‘support’ me.

If I want to sit on the subway, I have to second guess myself — I take up more room and I have heard at least a million jokes about how terrible it is to sit next to fat people — will I be the butt of the next joke?Continue Reading

Men’s Mental Health Stigma & Me

Contributed by: Andy Lloyd

May 19, 2018 / Guest Post / Leave a Comment

This post is part of my series for Mental Health Awareness Week 2018! The series includes articles, poems, and photo essays by many guest authors about mental health and related issues. For more information, click here!

How do you think men’s mental health is treated when compared to general mental health or women’s mental health?

I definitely think there remains more of a stigma in society regarding men’s mental health compared to women’s. That, said I think this is changing now though with men’s mental health getting more publicity(it is over here anyway). For example, there is a famous soap opera over here called Coronation Street and just last week, a main well-known character committed suicide. A few years ago the subject of male depression was a storyline featured in a comedy-drama called Cold Feet. Well known male music and sport stars have come out in the last few years talking about their mental health battles. eg Professor Green(musician) and cricketer Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff. There is definitely more of a societal conversation going on right now about male mental health than there ever has been in the past.Continue Reading

If You Say ‘It Was the Worst!’ — I Will Punch You

Contributed by: William Charles

May 18, 2018 / Guest Post / Leave a Comment

My name is ‘William.’ My son is in his late 20’s and has been struggling with mental health issues for the last few years, I’ve been depressed to varying degrees for the past decade and a half.

I won’t really punch you. I just wanted to get your attention.

There is a saying: ‘It was the worst!’ Or at least there was a couple of years ago. The hipsters these days (or some of them) used it from time to time. “I had to wait in line at Starbucks for ten minutes — it was the worst!” “On the way to work, it was raining, and I couldn’t get a seat on the bus — it was the worst!”

I respectfully submit that most people who say that have no idea at all what they are talking about. (Sorry about the phrasing, I’m watching a courtroom drama on the TV while I write this.)Continue Reading

The Effect of Chronic Illness and Mental Health

Contributed by: Kathleen Overs

May 17, 2018 / Guest Post / Leave a Comment

How is your daily life affected by your health issues? Can you give a bit of an introduction about yourself?

My daily life is 100% affected by my health issues; most of all due to pain and being faint/nauseated from pain and certain deficiencies in my blood. Fainting from pain actually drastically changed my life. For a long time it wasn’t that bad… I bruised my bones a couple of times from fainting on a hard surface either at the hospital or school, etc., but when I was working for Citizenship and Immigration Canada and I fainted from pain in the office, it was no small issue. I hit my head on the concrete floor and got a concussion. They required me to get a doctor’s note that said it was “safe” for me to continue working before I was legally allowed back in the building, and unfortunately, after that, I was never hired back.Continue Reading

A Selection of Digital Art from Fox Tales Art

Contributed by: Kira McCarthy

May 16, 2018 / Guest Post / Leave a Comment

When You Don’t Outgrow Your Mental Illness

Contributed by: Bethany Jane

May 15, 2018 / Guest Post / Leave a Comment

I have struggled with my mental health since I started self-harming aged 13. Throughout high school my mental health was dismissed as ‘being a teenager,’ and my mood swings and destructive behaviours were treated as something I would ‘grow out of.’

Well, I’m 28 now and I still don’t seem to have grown out of them.

Mental illness has been a part of my life for fifteen years now, and it sure does like to make itself known! In terms of symptoms, my mental illness hasn’t really changed much as I’ve grown older, but there are some definite differences that being in my late twenties has brought to the table.Continue Reading

Stop Calling Me Strong (I’m Not Brave Either)

May 14, 2018 / Support Yourself & Others / Leave a Comment

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone tells me I’m ‘strong.’ Almost regardless of the context, I can feel anger bubbling up inside me; my skin starts to itch because I’m trying so hard not to get mad at them.

Because I’m not strong, and those are empty words.

I’m not strong because I’ve ‘made it this far.’ I’m not brave for telling my story. I’m not strong (or brave) for fighting.

I’m just stubborn and mad. I had mental illness thrown at me when I was barely 18 and there were only two options: fight or give up. It wasn’t strength that made me fight, and actually, I’ve given up a lot too. For four years, I’ve fought tooth and nail when I can, but more often than not, I’ve given up.

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Are you on the list?!

How do you think men’s mental health is treated when compared to general mental health or women’s mental health?

How is your daily life affected by your health issues? Can you give a bit of an introduction about yourself?