My Bitter Insanity | The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

I’m Burnt Out.

December 6, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / 4 Comments

It’s been a fairly long couple of weeks. School is ramping up, my volunteering is getter busier, and I’m becoming more and more stressed about my recovery.

I am burnt out.

I am busier than I have ever been in the last two years. And though I’m dealing with it better than I would’ve even six months ago, it’s still kicking my ass.

In the last seven days, I’ve volunteered or been in unpaid training for fifteen hours; I’ve had six hours of classes; I’ve studied for ten hours; I’ve spent five hours working on My Bitter Insanity; I’ve baked four dozen cookies; I’ve been to therapy and my support group; and I had brunch with my mother. For some people, those almost fifty hours doesn’t seem like all that much when it’s nearly all I’ve done over a week.Continue Reading

An Open Letter to the Woman Who Traumatized Me

November 19, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

Content warning: this post discusses my trauma (bullying) & has some nasty swear words

It’s been six years since it started. Six years since you traumatized me.

Did you know that’s what you did? Is that what you meant to do?

You wrote to me once. You said “we ended on pretty bad terms” — a massive understatement — and then you said you “grew up and in the process decided to get closure for things” — and I don’t believe you.

I don’t know if anything would ever change my opinion of you; you may always be the cunt who scarred me. The one who took my vulnerability and destroyed my trust.

What a Diagnosis Means: Types of Depression

November 5, 2018 / Research & Education / Leave a Comment

Every once in a while I’m overcome with the motivation to do some public education — ultimately, I do want that to be a large part of my career, but for now by blog will have to do. This week, I thought I’d mimic a bit of the curriculum from one of my current classes and have a quick chat about the different diagnoses that you might come across — specifically in the depression category.

I’m a big fan of research. When I’ve been diagnosed over the years, I’ve done a lot of research into what each diagnosis means and how it might affect me. I’m hoping that this post might be a resource for someone in a similar position.

Please note that this information is based on the current and previous Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-5 & DSM-4) and is not exhaustive, containing only the most common diagnoses.

What Nourishes You? (My Best Eating Disorder Week Ever)

October 8, 2018 / Personal Growth / 1 Comment

Two weeks ago, I was having a terrible Monday. After a breakdown that morning, which unfortunately included yelling at my dad, I had to figure out a way to be okay enough to be present in class. I ultimately ended up taking some lorazepam and heading over to school. It worked well and I was actually able to be mostly present in class. After class, though, the feelings started building up again.

Leading up to that Monday, I had spent almost the entirety of four entire days trying to shove information into my brain, but it just wasn’t going in. I was behind on my readings for class and was desperate to catch up but for some reason, it just wasn’t working. That morning, I sat at the kitchen table pouring over my textbook, trying to understand what it was telling me and how I could make that into some form of coherent notes.Continue Reading

My Terrible Sleep and the Itsy-Bitsy Spider

September 24, 2018 / Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

This week, I’ve got a piece from the archives. Here’s a piece that I wrote almost a year ago when my blog was on hiatus and I never published. It details the spiralling thoughts that used to be absolutely constant for me.

It’s 5:50 am. I haven’t slept yet. Granted, I woke up Friday at around 11:30 after falling asleep only six hours earlier. My sleep has been weird.

Sleep has never been ‘easy’ for me, at least as long as I can remember. I’ve always tossed and turned, took too long to fall asleep, woke up often, and alternated between too much and too little sleep. With my mental illnesses, it’s only gotten worse. Between incessant fatigue and the intrusive, repetitive thoughts at bedtime, I just can’t win.Continue Reading

The Secondary Effects of an Anxiety-Filled Day (My First Day of School)

September 11, 2018 / History & Experience / Leave a Comment

As I write this, I’m exhausted. It’s not necessarily a new phenomenon for me; I’m exhausted most of the time. Today, though, is a different kind of day than normal: it’s the day after an anxiety- and stress-packed day.

Anxiety isn’t just a mental thing, and as anyone who’s had a panic or anxiety attack would know, it’s incredibly physical. My heart rate and blood pressure spike, I sweat like you wouldn’t believe, I get extremely warm, and I feel so much internal pressure that it’s as though I might actually explode — and that’s only the physical side. So, when you think of the mental and physical impacts of anxiety, maybe it’s not surprising that I get a sort of hangover after a big day — but that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

I knew that this past Wednesday would be a tough one for me.Continue Reading

I Get Way Too Excited About Everything

August 27, 2018 / History & Experience / 1 Comment

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, which is characterized, partially, by mood swings and intense emotions — usually anger, sadness, or anxiety. But I think that more of my emotions are affected by my BPD than just the negative (or destructive) ones. I think that the good ones are affected too.

Because I can get just as overwhelmed by my positive emotions as I can by my negative ones. When I get excited about something, and those who know me can support me on this, I am the most excited person you will ever meet. I jump up and down, I lose the little patience I do have, and my whole worldview starts to revolve around whatever made me so excited.

And, honestly, sometimes it’s kind of nice. Sometimes I feel this pure, overwhelming happiness or excitement, and though these moments are few and far between, I try and lean into them. But they’re not always purely good.

Why It’s Important to Take a Step Back: the ‘Wise Mind’

August 20, 2018 / Research & Education / 3 Comments

My brain likes to lie to me. My brain tries to trick me all the time.

I try to keep it under control, but sometimes my mind gets away from me. I’m sure it happens to everyone once in a while. For me, it’s not once in a while, really. It’s often. Really often.

If I wake up in the middle of the night, nine times out of ten I can’t get back to sleep because my brain starts to buzz with all sorts of unwanted thoughts. I get repetitive, intrusive thoughts about all sorts of things I don’t really want to think about that just swirl around my head, looking for a way out.

He hates me. He hates me, he hates me, he hates me. I fucked up and now he’ll hate me forever. He thinks that I’m a terrible person. He thinks that I did it to hurt him. Maybe he thinks that I hate him. I have to fix it. How do I fix it? How do I fix it?

My Life is Starting to Move Forward and I Am Terrified

August 6, 2018 / Personal Growth / Leave a Comment

In June, I wrote about how it felt like I was living my life on hold. It felt like nothing was happening and I was itching to start making some more progress in my life. And it’s finally moving. I’m volunteering, I’m in a DBT course, and I’m set up to head back to school in the fall.

And I am absolutely terrified.

I’ve been waiting so long for this day to come and it’s finally here. I want it so badly, but the idea of trying again and failing is seriously scaring me. Maybe it’s an illusion because I’ve sat on hold for so long, but it suddenly seems like life is speeding forward way faster than is safe. And I’m not wearing a seatbelt.

I’ve made careful plans and schedules, measured the changes in me, and I’ve crafted mantras to remind myself that I’ll be okay, but a big part of me just doesn’t believe it.

Tired of Looking on the Bright Side of Mental Illness

July 23, 2018 / Recovery & Treatment / 2 Comments

This week, I started a DBT course. Every Tuesday, for the next eleven, I will make my way into the city and learn about Dialectical Behaviour Therapy for two hours before travelling back home with my homework for the week.

The first lesson was very much an introduction to DBT and I knew most of what was discussed. Between my own research and volunteer training, I had it covered. I’ve not yet sure if this will be the group for me, but since it’s near-impossible to find resources, I had to pay for this group and so will be doing it until the end.

But one topic that the facilitator covered got under my skin. She talked about the “bright side” of having Borderline Personality Disorder (or Emotional Dysregulation Disorder).

Apparently, we’re more empathetic, ‘adapted’ to high stress, and charismatic.Continue Reading

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