My Bitter Insanity

The wild ramblings of a bitter woman and her messy, unpredictable, work-in-progress life.

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I Don’t Fit in the Eating Disorder Community

/ Bad Days & Slumps / Leave a Comment

> This post talks about bodies, my eating disorder, and food. It deals with ideas and thoughts that I struggle with. If you are in active ED recovery, I don’t suggest reading it. <

I have an eating disorder. It’s something that I’ve been coming to terms with over the last year or so. It’s a label that I still don’t always feel comfortable with.

Don’t get me wrong. I like labels. (Okay, maybe I love them.) They help me sort my life and the things in it into neat little boxes. They help me explain what I’m going through — they help me find peers and the resources to help me. But this one isolates me.

I don’t fit in with the eating disorder community. My Binge Eating Disorder (BED), while the most common eating disorder, is often not what people think of when they hear ‘eating disorder.’Continue Reading

My Mental Illness Defines Me, but It’s Only One of Many Things

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I have heard a lot in mental health about not letting our illnesses define us, and I’m sure that you have too. I understand where it comes from — being reduced to a walking mental illness can be dehumanizing. It can worsen stigma and make it easier for others to put our well-being and healthcare to the side.

We often hear about person-first language, that we should avoid calling someone a ‘Borderline’ or mentally ill — instead, they should be a person with borderline or someone with a mental illness.

I understand where this idea comes from. I understand why some, if not most, people prefer it. But for me, it just doesn’t sit right.

I don’t call myself a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, I prefer to call myself a Borderline — and I prefer that others do too. When I call myself a Borderline, it doesn’t feel dehumanizing or minimizing, it feels empowering.Continue Reading

Making Friends in the Crazy World of Illness & Adulthood

/ History & Experience / 4 Comments

“People are stupid. I hate people.”

It’s been the refrain of my life for oh so long. Maybe that’s not right and maybe it’s rude. Maybe it’s both. For me though, it’s a defence mechanism. A phrase that I use to try and brush off all the negative feelings that come around when I feel rejected by the world around me and the people in it.

I have two friends. My best friend has stuck with me for years and she is the only person outside my family that I believe will stick around — at least, I believe it when my brain is doing well. The other one is pretty new. Like, within-the-last-month new. And, the only reason that I know she’s my friend is because she was awesome enough to flat-out tell me that she wanted to be.Continue Reading

Why I’m Bitter About my Insanity

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bit·ter
/ˈbidər/
adj. (of people or their feelings or behaviour) Angry, hurt, or resentful because of one’s bad experiences or a sense of unjust treatment.

Yeah, maybe it is super cheesy to start with a definition, but I’m doing it anyway. And, looking at that definition, I’m wondering if I even need to explain why I’m bitter… (Though I will.) When you’re looking for mental health support, it is unfortunately really likely that you’ll come out of it feeling angry, hurt, or resentful — hey, maybe even all three!

The truth is, it’s not easy to talk about mental health, but once you do, it can be even harder to live with, and seek treatment for, a mental illness. Above and beyond the standard difficulty of fighting my mental illnesses, I’ve also had to fight for the treatment that I deserve.Continue Reading

I’m Living My Life on Hold, Waiting ‘Until…’

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I had planned a different post for today. I’ve even got most of it written out already.

Except, when the inspiration for this post instead popped into my mind, I wasn’t about to scoff at the sudden flow of words I felt coming. I’ve mentioned on Twitter a couple times that I’ve been struggling with some good ol’ writer’s block, so this feels like I’m nearly out of the woods.

After I got sick, and after my first severe depressive episode, I put school ‘on hold.’ I’d decided that I’ll focus first on getting better, and then I’d get back to school and work. If you’ve been following my blog, you might know that that didn’t turn out quite the way that I had hoped.

Over the course of my recovery, I’ve gone back and forth in these periods of working or school alternating with this intense focus on ‘getting better.’Continue Reading

Dating While Insane is Driving me Crazy

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I’ve never liked dating. For me, it’s just a means to an end. I want a partner, I want a family, so I need to date. Of course, you’re not ‘supposed’ to say any of this to the people that you date — it’ll ‘scare them away.’

Now, maybe it’s the borderline in me, but I’m always ready to dive right into a new relationship. Even if it doesn’t technically exist yet.

Hey, you! Yeah, you, cute stranger! You smiled at me and I liked our (brief) interaction. We should get married!

Hey, you, cute woman that I met in treatment. You’re smart, you laugh at my jokes, and I like your face. Plus, we’re both sick! Have my babies?

Actively fighting the thought that anyone I meet might be my soulmate is extremely tiring. And it can make me do some pretty weird things…Continue Reading

What I Love but Have Had to Leave Behind (For Now)

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I can’t sleep.

As I write this, it’s 7 am, and my mind has been swirling with thoughts, keeping me awake for hours. I’m yawning, I’m tired, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to quiet my thoughts. Since yesterday, I’ve been feeling really down about where my life is and where I’m heading.

I mentioned in a post three weeks ago that I never imagined that I would still be struggling with my mental health after four years. I never imagined that I’d be where I am, out of school, out of work, and not sure when I’ll get back.

Don’t get me wrong; I have a plan. I always have a plan — I just don’t know if I’ll actually be able to follow through this time.

Continue Reading

I Hate My Body but I’m Trapped Inside Anyway

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I’m obese.

At 5’3″ and 285 pounds, my BMI is about 50. That’s 10 points over the threshold for class III obesity and 25 points over healthy.

Every day, I’m constantly reminded that I’m fat and that it’s not okay.

If I mention anything, anything, about my weight, people rush to comfort me. I’ve had people respond “Oh, no you’re not!” as though I can’t just look in the mirror and know that I am! They’re convinced that instead of simply being realistic, I’m being self-deprecating and they should ‘support’ me.

If I want to sit on the subway, I have to second guess myself — I take up more room and I have heard at least a million jokes about how terrible it is to sit next to fat people — will I be the butt of the next joke?Continue Reading

Men’s Mental Health Stigma & Me

Contributed by: Andy Lloyd

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This post is part of my series for Mental Health Awareness Week 2018! The series includes articles, poems, and photo essays by many guest authors about mental health and related issues. For more information, click here!

How do you think men’s mental health is treated when compared to general mental health or women’s mental health?

I definitely think there remains more of a stigma in society regarding men’s mental health compared to women’s. That, said I think this is changing now though with men’s mental health getting more publicity(it is over here anyway). For example, there is a famous soap opera over here called Coronation Street and just last week, a main well-known character committed suicide. A few years ago the subject of male depression was a storyline featured in a comedy-drama called Cold Feet. Well known male music and sport stars have come out in the last few years talking about their mental health battles. eg Professor Green(musician) and cricketer Andrew ‘Freddie’ Flintoff. There is definitely more of a societal conversation going on right now about male mental health than there ever has been in the past.Continue Reading

If You Say ‘It Was the Worst!’ — I Will Punch You

Contributed by: William Charles

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This post is part of my series for Mental Health Awareness Week 2018! The series includes articles, poems, and photo essays by many guest authors about mental health and related issues. For more information, click here!

My name is ‘William.’ My son is in his late 20’s and has been struggling with mental health issues for the last few years, I’ve been depressed to varying degrees for the past decade and a half.

I won’t really punch you. I just wanted to get your attention.

There is a saying: ‘It was the worst!’ Or at least there was a couple of years ago. The hipsters these days (or some of them) used it from time to time. “I had to wait in line at Starbucks for ten minutes — it was the worst!” “On the way to work, it was raining, and I couldn’t get a seat on the bus — it was the worst!”

I respectfully submit that most people who say that have no idea at all what they are talking about. (Sorry about the phrasing, I’m watching a courtroom drama on the TV while I write this.)Continue Reading

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