| > | Content warning: this post discusses my trauma (bullying) & has some nasty swear words | < |
It’s been six years since it started. Six years since you traumatized me.
Did you know that’s what you did? Is that what you meant to do?
You wrote to me once. You said “we ended on pretty bad terms” — a massive understatement — and then you said you “grew up and in the process decided to get closure for things” — and I don’t believe you.
I don’t know if anything would ever change my opinion of you; you may always be the cunt who scarred me. The one who took my vulnerability and destroyed my trust.
I trusted you.
I believed that you were my friend.
And you didn’t give a single shit about me.
Maybe you don’t think that’s fair, but I can’t think of any other explanation for your behaviour.
I have not always been a good person. There are a lot of things that I am ashamed of. But never — not even when you were attacking me — could I imagine being that cruel to someone I was supposed to have love for. You were supposed to love me. You were supposed to be my friend. You were supposed to be my best friend.
Do you know that I still struggle to let people in? Six years since, three years of therapy, and I’m still not recovered.
Did you struggle? Did you have to pay any price for your behaviour? (My guess is no.)
What did I ever do to deserve that?
Please, please tell me. Give me a fucking reason why this happened. If it was my fault, I want to know. Did someone do this to you? Is that why you thought it was okay?
How come when I never said anything back, you kept going?
How come even now, six years later, you still haven’t had enough?
Why message me? Why stalk my profile? Why watch my stories? You’ve had your share of me, now fuck off.
I’d like to say I’m over it; I’d like to say that I’ve accepted it and that I’m above it. But I’m not.
The idea of showing you even an iota of compassion makes me angrier than anything else. Because why should I? Why does the victim always have to be the bigger person? Why can’t I say fuck you, fuck your behaviour, and fuck your redemption?
You don’t get to redeem yourself.
You don’t get to get over this. If this scarred me, then you should be branded with it.
Six years.
Six. Years.
I’m only twenty-two and I’m already traumatized.
I was seventeen. You were eighteen. I was too young and you should’ve known better. Hell, I knew better.
I didn’t fight back. I told you I was hurt and I asked you to stop. You didn’t.
And the one time I said anything, anything at all, you ran for help. Poor, poor little you. Had you never been told to fuck off?
That’s all I did — the one time I responded to your vitriol, I left you a note. It read simply: ‘fuck off.’ Did that cross the line for you? Did it hurt your feelings?
Did you fake our whole friendship? Was that always your plan? To take one little disagreement and use it to tear me apart? Turn my friends against me?
You are every terrible stereotype of a mean girl. Except for one thing — you don’t get to redeem yourself when this movie ends.
Have you ever hurt like I hurt? You could say yes, but I wouldn’t believe you.
You destroyed me. Is that what you wanted?
I loved you. Did you know that?
You broke my trust and now I don’t know how to trust. How can I believe anything anyone says now? You convinced me so fully that our friendship would not end, that we could weather anything, but you lied.
I believed you and you lied.
I will never forgive you. I will never forget what you did. I will never accept that there was a decent reason.
And I will outgrow you. I am going to kick ass, despite you. The day will come when I will laugh when confronted with the thought of you and I won’t spend more than a microsecond on it. Soon, the sight of your name won’t make me tense. One day, I’ll be able to see you on the street without panic.
Every day, I prove that I did not deserve what you did.
Everything I’ve done, and everything I will do, I do despite you. Despite your best efforts to destroy me all those years ago, I will live on. I’ll beat you to every mountain top and accomplish what you can never dream of.
I have always been, and always will be a better person than you.
I did not deserve what you did and you never deserved me.
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