Right now, I’m hiding in my room. I’m in the dark, under the covers, and the only is noise is my keyboard and John Oliver on my iPad. I’m having an extremely bad day at the end of an absolutely terrible couple of weeks. I don’t think I’ve showered in well over a week and I had to call in sick to work yesterday. I have not been in this position in a very long time. I am not happy to be back here, but this time also feels different. Though I’m depressed, apathetic, and completely demotivated, hope still seems to be weaselling itself in.
The last time I was in this spot, I quickly became suicidal, dropped everything I was doing, and completely abandoned it. Actually, that’s what I’ve pretty much always done. This time is different, though.
My winter was an extremely stressful one. I was essentially working about 6 part-time jobs, which added up to over 40 hours per week. This might not seem like a lot, but it is well beyond what I was used to and what I expected. The endless “hat-switching” absolutely tore me to pieces. By the time mid-March finally rolled around, I was completely burnt out, I had strep throat and laryngitis, and I had stopped taking my medication with any consistency. I was not in a good place, but I didn’t realize that it would get so much worse.
Over the next month or so, my mood would drastically dip. I would shower no more than four times, struggle to leave my house (unless I absolutely had to), and completely ignore doing any housework, laundry, or personal care. I would go for three weeks without seeing my psychotherapist. I would receive an extension for my final school assignment and try every day for three weeks to complete it with no luck. Then, finally, today would come.
Yesterday, I stayed home sick from work and forced myself to engage in some semblance of self-care. Once I was finally able to convince myself to leave my room, I did my nails and tried to keep the guilt at bay while I watched some TV. I was able to do a very little bit of housework and by the end of the day, I was grateful for my decision — I truly would not have been able to handle work at all. This seemed to slightly boost my mood this morning.
I got up at what I consider a reasonable hour today and with little delay headed to my desk. As I’ve done for weeks, I opened my final assignment and stared at it for a while before my thoughts and emotions became overwhelming and I started avoiding and distracting like the pro that I am. A couple of hours later, I’d try again. And then even later, I’d try again still. Eventually, I had to leave to finally see my psychotherapist, but I promised myself that I’d be able to do the assignment when I got home.
Instead, when I got home, I felt worse. I had a long conversation with my dad about my current situation, and that took the rest of my energy. Immediately, I could feel the worst coming. I went to my room and huddled away. I stopped being able to talk — this happens rarely, but I get both so anxious that I won’t be able to talk and so depressed that it feels like the hardest thing in the world. I wasted time for hours. Eventually, I asked my dad to bring me my laptop and I started writing. This is the first time in months that I’ve been able to actually write more than a couple of paragraphs.
And as cathartic as writing all that out absolutely was, it is not why I started writing today.
I’ve decided to officially close this chapter of my career.
My blog is truly something that I love. I have worked hard on it and taken it seriously. I really do view it as a job — hell, it’s on my resume! And like any job, I think that the time has come that I leave. I’m not writing regularly and every time I’m reminded of my blog (or podcast), I get really sad and I feel really guilty; it’s not healthy for me to keep avoiding this and feeling guilty, so I wanted to officially give my notice instead of just disappearing. Plus, I still want to be a part of the community and keep in touch with the people that I’ve met — and right now, I feel too guilty and embarrassed to do that.
So, here’s my plan:
- I’m going to redirect my Twitter and Instagram into more personal accounts — though they will always still touch on mental health.
- When I do write, I will write on Medium or The Mighty (and I will post links on my Twitter).
- I’m going to spend my time promoting recovery and peer support in my community and working on my own recovery, too.
I’ll miss this and I’m glad that I was able to end it neatly.
Talk soon. xx